I was on my bed on a cold Autumn morning in Stavanger Norway at exactly 7:00am, trying to figure out where my life was heading to when a friend of mine in faraway Lagos Nigeria buzzed me via Facebook Messenger asking if I knew where Isolo Local Government office was; a place that happens to be in Lagos Nigeria. I mean, was I the right person Kayo should have asked? I laughed because I assumed he was joking - one of those means to get someone's attention. And so I replied with a laughing emoji and enquired about his welfare, but he asked me again about the location of Isolo LG office. Once more, I suspected he wanted to mess around with me a bit, and so I replied with a laughing emoji again and ignored him while I replied other people's messages with the intention of getting back to him so we can play this little game of his. I saw more messages about Isolo LG office pop in from him as I chatted with other people, and then I wondered why someone will be so dogmatic about playing an unnecessary game. I needed to carry out a research on a project I was working on and so I got carried away and forgot to reply Kayo. Later that day at 3:34pm, I went through my phone and saw that Kayo wasn't joking after all.
"Joy you need to reply me now, I have an interview in Isolo LG building at 8:00am.
...I tot I had the right address
...It turns out I don't
...I'm at the wrong venue
...I know u not in Nigeria but you're the only person I know who has lived in Isolo LGA.
...Every oda person I ask around don't seem to know where it is
...I uninstalled Google maps on my phone trying to free storage and can't install it now. Don't have enough data for that
...Can't ask Google now
...I can see you're online
...Come on J..."
Numb was how I felt. I just didn't know what to do. As I buzzed him on Messenger to enquire about his rigmarole, I prayed and hoped he was able to find his way to the place. Kayo read all of my numerous messages without replying. I called him severally on his phone with no response. The following morning at 7.00am, Emeka buzzed me on Messenger and narrated how sad and pissed Kayo was for missing the interview.
"He blames you for this Joy
...You should have replied him"
I felt insensate - I couldn't feel my face with my hands.
"I feel so sorry and terrible Emeka
...I wish I replied Kayo
...But how would I have really helped him find his way to the venue through the phone?
...He didn't even know where he was
...It's not as if we were in virtual reality"
"It doesn't matter Joy.
...Your response could have probably helped or not helped but your silence made you the villain
...I do not mean to throw stones at you but Kayo is really hurt
...He describes this as 'friends not being there for you when you really need them'.
"Emeka I honestly thought he was trying to be funny that morning, maybe trying to play a prank on me"
"Joy what do you mean?
...Who plays a prank at 7:00am?
...Are you even serious?
...You know what?
...Be good to yourself
Who truly pulls a prank off at 7:00am? I wouldn't say I don't like life lessons, but this one? I so hate! I've been feeling horrible about myself up till now and I'm not sure of what human flaw to blame this on. The problem now is that I read every message of every Tom, Dick and Harry; replying to most of them, most of which are very unimportant and extremely time wasting. One ordeal with Kayo has turned me into a read-and-reply junkie. And when I decide not to read or reply anyone's messages, all of The Kayo Episode come rushing back to me like a constipated bowel stool, and the thought of being a villain in someone else's life series saps breath out of me; causing my heart to skip a beat. Truth is...I need help.
On this beautiful Wednesday, as I narrate this story, Khalid buzzed me on messenger at 7:01am, begging me to make him a pot of Nigerian locust beans stew ASAP. I'd normally like to ignore this but I'm afraid that if he falls sick of ulcer, everyone will bury their fingers in my forehead. The confusing thing now is that my friend Oyin thinks this Kayo episode is actually a prank.
"J girl think like d script writer that u are. This Kayo palava is definitely scripted
...So you really believe dat there was no one around to give him directions?
...Even if that's the case, you also believe he had no GPS on his phone?
...And of all of the apps to uninstall it was Google maps? Not those stupid game apps on his phone?
...And what is he freeing storage for on a phone of 256GB?
...Or is it not iPhone 7 plus he still uses?
...All nah lie
...BIG and LOUD lie!
...Get your brain to work and stop feeling terrible about this whole nonsense!"
One thing is for sure - my 7:00AMs will never be the same.
|Image credit: http://upliftconnect.com|
P.S: If you don't understand. Ask someone to explain. Or ask me.
If you don't understand because you didn't use any of the listed aids, it is certainly not my fault.
Love you anyways.
"Throw all mangoes away", Nne screamed. Nne is our mother. Nne is mother in Igbo. Our mother is Yoruba but she prefers to be called mother in Igbo. "It reminds me of my first love", she always says. "He was an Igbo man". And then I wonder how she expects father to feel knowing she's in love with a dead man. Yes, mum's first love died a long time ago; when she was 26.
Lara: Mum went to visit Ugo in his house and she won't let me have male friends come over?😢
Lara: I see why we never really visit her parents.
Pam: Focus on the flash Nneka. Focus on the flash.
Nneka: I doubt if I'd notice the lights.
Pam: Then you'll miss the positives. You need to be bright and happy. Otherwise, this whole thing will be a waste.
Nneka: It's supposed to come from within. I can't fake a smile.
Pam: They don't know what's within you and they don't care. JUST DO IT.
Nneka: You're getting louder and attracting attention.
Pam: Then make this work. Imagine Ahmed. Pretend as though he's the one behind the camera.
Nneka: You're such a liar. Your life is a lie, Pam.
Pam: That's how we survive, honey. This life became a lie the day skin shades became black and white. I save my emotions for those who care. These people don't care about you. So why try to let them see you bitter?
Nneka: I just can't pretend to feel alright. See what they did to him. They took everything from him and threw him away like a rotten egg. They deceived him.
Pam: Learn from his mistakes then. These people expect you to be sad and wary. And then maybe they'll capitalise on your weakness too. But you must show that you're strong. When you pose for the picture, focus on the flash and smile at the light it shines upon you. When you're done with the shoot, keep that smile. You don't have to share your happiness and your strengths with the haters. Rather, suppress them with it. Your sadness is their ambition. Don't give it to them.
Nneka: They've seen me bitter for too long. They've been succeeding.
|Photo credit: https://www.udemy.com/|
When people make mistakes and say "I wish I could take back the hand of time", I grow fish pimples. If you could take back the hand of time, you'd probably change your Birth date and go back to be born in the time when people died because they made common mistakes or you'd give your father a contraceptive on the day of your conception so that nobody knows who the hell you are. Forget about manipulating time and make some more mistakes.
The fact that you've been through worse does not make the bad become good. Don't feel too good about the shit in your life. If it's bad, it's bad.
Even if I stole wings, I would not fly. Flights are for cowards and witches. Maybe birds.
Even the spirit-filled sister who seems to speak only heavenly language, needs a man who would not speak heavenly language to her on the bed. Eroticism is a necessity.
Dad: Do you know what the money is meant for?
Me: To indicate absence.
Dad: Did you indicate?
Dad: Were you in for lunch?
Dad: Did you indicate?
Me: I forgot...
Dad: Direct answers only, please.
Dad: Were you in for supper?
Me: It's still evening.
Dad: Oh yes! That's true. What time is it now?
Me: Few minutes past eight.
Dad: What time of the day is dinner in this house?
Me: I don't think there should be a stipulated time for meals, dad.
Me: Yes dad
Dad: Direct answers only.
Me: But what I went out to do is important.
Dad: Is it a job that puts money on this table?
Dad: Does it have anything to do with your school work?
Dad: Answer the question!
Dad: Then I don't care. How old are you?
Dad: What's a boy of your age doing outside by 8:00 pm?
Me: I and my friends were...
Dad: Shut up! I've heard it a thousand times and it still makes no sense.
Me: No one. Except me.
Dad: Koko! Eat! Now!
I don't know if I know you already or if I'm yet to meet you. I just want you to know that my heart and my thoughts are yours. I will love you in spite of anything. I know that I'll be everything that you've always prayed for and you'll be everything that I've always prayed for. I've been building myself up for you so that I can be your best friend and the best wife the world has ever known. I pray for you everyday that God blesses the works of your hands and crowns your effort. I know He's doing that right now. I've heard terrible stories about marriage but I know that you and I are going to be extraordinary and we will be role models for others.
I cannot wait to look you in the eyes with my eyes beaming with passion and love. I know we'll have our differences but our differences will become our greatest strengths. The world will envy us. I know. And we'll have beautiful children. Glorious children. Dynamic children. Extraordinary children booming with intelligence. We would love each other so much that our children will be disgusted by it.
I want to grow old with you.
Dear Future Hubby...I'm waiting for you. I'll love you as though that's the only thing I'm gonna do.
Your Loving Future Wifey
Dad: Why are you just coming home?
Me: I hurried home as soon as I could.
Dad: Óti daran léni.
Me: But daddy, I'm not late. Look, it's still bright.
Dad: Where is the sun?
Dad: If you say that again...where is the sun?
Me: It's outside.
Me: I saw it on my way in.
Dad: Go out. Look for it. And then come in to call me as soon as you find it. 2 minutes only.
I came in. I knew it was going to be war. Me: Good evening sir. Dad: Why are you just coming home? He's never happy. I s...