With the Shoot

Pam:    Focus on the flash Nneka. Focus on the flash.
Nneka: I doubt if I'd notice the lights.
Pam:    Then you'll miss the positives. You need to be bright and happy. Otherwise, this whole thing will be a waste.
Nneka: It's supposed to come from within.  I can't fake a smile.

Pam:     You're the one in-charge of your within, not them.

Nneka:  I can't.
Pam:    They don't know what's within you and they don't care. JUST DO IT.
Nneka: You're getting louder and attracting attention.
Pam:    Then make this work. Imagine Ahmed. Pretend as though he's the one behind the camera.
Nneka: You're such a liar. Your life is a lie, Pam.
Pam:    That's how we survive, honey. This life became a lie the day skin shades became black and white. I save my emotions for those who care. These people don't care about you. So why try to let them see you bitter?
Nneka: I just can't pretend to feel alright. See what they did to him. They took everything from him and threw him away like a rotten egg. They deceived him.
Pam:    Learn from his mistakes then. These people expect you to be sad and wary. And then maybe they'll capitalise on your weakness too. But you must show that you're strong. When you pose for the picture, focus on the flash and smile at the light it shines upon you. When you're done with the shoot, keep that smile. You don't have to share your happiness and your strengths with the haters. Rather, suppress them with it. Your sadness is their ambition. Don't give it to them.
Nneka: They've seen me bitter for too long. They've been succeeding.

Photo credit: https://www.udemy.com/

Pam:    Let them fail this time. And forever. Now smile. Smile Nneka. Focus on the flash. And give hope to this studio.

I've Started Thinking Bullshit Again...Lord Save My Mind.

When people make mistakes and say "I wish I could take back the hand of time", I grow fish pimples. If you could take back the hand of time, you'd probably change your Birth date and go back to be born in the time when people died because they made common mistakes or you'd give your father a contraceptive on the day of your conception so that nobody knows who the hell you are. Forget about manipulating time and make some more mistakes.

The fact that you've been through worse does not make the bad become good. Don't feel too good about the shit in your life. If it's bad, it's bad.

Even if I stole wings, I would not fly. Flights are for cowards and witches. Maybe birds.

Even the spirit-filled sister who seems to speak only heavenly language, needs a man who would not speak heavenly language to her on the bed. Eroticism is a necessity.

Daddy's Hot-ice

"Koko, your bowels will dance azonto today", my sister teases me as I get to the gate of our house. "Why?", I ask. "Even the gods cannot say", she laughs. As I open the door, my brother shouts "Koko go back". My father immediately carries me and puts me on the dinning chair. He brings out a piece of paper. It is his bank account statement.

Dad: Koko, read.

I read. I look up at him. His gaze is fixed on me.

Dad: Look at the paper again and tell me how much I transfered to your mother's account on Wednesday.

I'm trying to think of all the movies I've seen. To see which one has a scene like this.

Me:  Thirty thousand naira.
Dad: Do you know what the money is meant for?

I said "No" even though I know. He smiles.

Dad: I am trying to be a good father, providing so that my family does not know lack or starve.

He points to a board that's hanging on the wall. He created it and placed it there himself.

Dad: What is that board for?
Me:  To indicate absence.

My father came up with a rule that anyone who is not going to be available for breakfast, lunch and supper, has to indicate their absence on the board so that meals are not prepared for them. I hate to admit this but, my father is half insane. Who does that? I have asked most of my friends if they have such policies in their homes, perhaps, they know someone who does. But "No" is forever the answer.

Dad: Were you in the house for breakfast?
Me:  No
Dad: Did you indicate?
Me:  No
Dad: Were you in for lunch?
Me:  No
Dad: Did you indicate?
Me:  I forgot...
Dad: Direct answers only, please.
Me:  No
Dad: Were you in for supper?
Me:  It's still evening.
Dad: Oh yes! That's true. What time is it now?
Me:  Few minutes past eight.
Dad: What time of the day is dinner in this house?
Me:  I don't think there should be a stipulated time for meals, dad.
Dad: Koko?
Me:  Yes dad
Dad: Direct answers only.
Me:  6:30pm
Dad: Good
Me:  But what I went out to do is important.
Dad: Is it a job that puts money on this table?
Me:  No
Dad: Does it have anything to do with your school work?
Me:  Somehow
Dad: Answer the question!
Me:  No
Dad: Then I don't care. How old are you?
Me:  Fifteen
Dad: What's a boy of your age doing outside by 8:00 pm?
Me:  I and my friends were...
Dad: Shut up! I've heard it a thousand times and it still makes no sense.

He walks into the kitchen and comes out with a tray of three dishes.

Dad: Your breakfast, lunch and dinner served at once. Tell me about some other person who gets this kind of treat? Especially from their father...
Me:  No one. Except me.

My eyes are filled with tears. This is not the first time this is happening and I usually wake up in the middle of the night to fully occupy the toilet.

Dad: Then you my son, must be very special. Eat and be merry.

It was jollof rice with fried fish, beans porridge and fried plantain, baked potatoes with scrambled chicken. This is the only time when food terrorises me. I had eaten fufu and vegetable soup at my friend's place. My mother came in from the bedroom. Her eyes carried pity for me.

Mum: Honey please don't punish him this much. Let him have just one of the meals.
Dad:   Koko! Eat! Now!

He sits still like a mannequin, watching me eat in pain. My body is numb. I can't feel my hands. I can't feel my body. Am I still alive? My brother comes out of the room with a mattress. He will not share the room with me this night. It's going to be a vigil that will fill the room with farts.

Mum: Eddy, this must stop. You cannot continue to force him to eat this much.

Dad:  Well, I am the one whose money feeds this family.

Mum: You asked me to stop working. I was a career conscious woman. And you, Eddy, begged me to stop so I can take care of my children.

Dad:  Our children! Our children!

Mum: No! My children!

It's a grave yard now. Mum's eyes are wet. Dad is obviously confused. And I am the reason for all these.

Dad:  Are you going to pick a quarrel with me now for instilling discipline in my son?

Mum: He's working on a science project with his friends. I have seen what they do and I am proud of my son. I do not agree that he comes home late but I've begged you never to punish him this way. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I'll go back to my career. No one is going to punish my children because I don't contribute to their feeding.

She walks away. I hate the way dad punishes me but I'm not sure I agree with mum. Isn't she being too sentimental? Women! I love the way she loves me though.

Dad: Koko...

That's the nicest way I've ever heard him call my name.

Dad: Stop eating. You are the author of this problem and you have to finish it. I don't want your mother quarreling with me.

Me:  I have to finish my science project.

Dad: Are you negotiating with me?

Me:  I just want to continue with my project, without over-feeding myself.

He looks at me like a sad Bingo as he walks away. I love my mum, but most of all, I love the way he loves her.

Dear Future Hubby

I don't know if I know you already or if I'm yet to meet you. I just want you to know that my heart and my thoughts are yours. I will love you in spite of anything. I know that I'll be everything that you've always prayed for and you'll be everything that I've always prayed for. I've been building myself up for you so that I can be your best friend and the best wife the world has ever known. I pray for you everyday that God blesses the works of your hands and crowns your effort. I know He's doing that right now. I've heard terrible stories about marriage but I know that you and I are going to be extraordinary and we will be role models for others.

I cannot wait to look you in the eyes with my eyes beaming with passion and love. I know we'll have our differences but our differences will become our greatest strengths. The world will envy us. I know. And we'll have beautiful children. Glorious children. Dynamic children. Extraordinary children booming with intelligence. We would love each other so much that our children will be disgusted by it.
I want to grow old with you.

Dear Future Hubby...I'm waiting for you. I'll love you as though that's the only thing I'm gonna do.

Your Loving Future Wifey

Father and Sun

I came in. I knew it was going to be war.

Me:  Good evening sir.
Dad: Why are you just coming home?

He's never happy. I stared. I stared so deeply. At nothing. Only at the picture in my head. The picture of what would become of me when this conversation was over.

Dad: Have you become dumb? Or is it deaf?
Me:  I hurried home as soon as I could.
Dad: Óti daran léni.
Me:  But daddy, I'm not late. Look, it's still bright.
Dad: Where is the sun?
Me:  Uhn?
Dad: If you say that again...where is the sun?
Me:  It's outside.

Dad: Are you sure?
Me:  I saw it on my way in.
Dad: Go out. Look for it. And then come in to call me as soon as you find it. 2 minutes only.

I'm outside now. Looking for the sun. It's not here. But I saw it on my way in. The sun has gone home too early. I told my dad the sun had left. He made me ride a motionless motorcycle with no motorcycle.

Dad: The galaxy is your destination.

I was to find the sun and beg it to follow me home so that daddy could release me. He told me to hurry. Well, I'm still riding. My legs are shaking. I'm drowning in my body liquid. I have still not found the sun. Even when the sun eventually rises, nothing would change. The only sun my father knows is my mother's eyes and it died the day her eyes never opened again. Her eyes never opened again the day I came into this world. That's why he calls me Onwa. "It is the moon that causes the earth to be sunless. You could have been rain or oxygen or helium. But you chose to be the moon", he always says to me. How am I supposed to bring that Sun back? Mother...if I had your golden eyes, father might be at peace...I pray he finds another sun.

Ugly Is Not Skin

Anu:  Dad?
Dad:  Yes
Anu:  What is beauty?

Dad:  Uhn?

Anu:  What is beautiful?

Dad:  Is there a girl?

Anu:  No-o-o. My friends keep making comments about girls being beautiful and ugly. It gets me confused sometimes. 

Dad:  Why?

Anu:  When John and Ana just began their relationship, he was crazy about her beauty. We all were. But now he calls her ugly.

Dad:  And that confuses you?

Anu:  Yea

Dad:  Even at 25?

Anu:  It's all confusing. I was talking to Lillian the other day and...

Dad:  The pretty face?

Anu:  Yes. I was having a deep conversation with her. When she left, Aaron told me never to love an ugly woman. That put me in a mind-fix. I questioned him but he kept sealed. What is this thing called Beautiful?

Dad:  On one of the days when I and your mother had our honeymoon, we went shopping. We came by a China store. We had a dinner to attend the next day and the day after and so she needed two gowns. There were only two gowns in that store that fitted her body size. But she didn't like one of them.

Anu:  Why?

Dad:  She felt it wasn't colourful. She was not going to buy the not-colourful dress but I convinced her. And so she bought both gowns. Seven months after she had won the gowns, the colourful one had nearly faded and torn open on her way from a party. She felt so embarrassed. Yes. She was vexed. She swore never to buy anything from that China store.

Anu:  What about the gown that wasn't colourful?

Dad:  I didn't say it wasn't colourful. I said she felt if wasn't colourful.

Anu:  So you thought it was colourful?

Dad: I think.

Anu:  So what happened to that gown?

Dad:  Who did your mother give since forever to?

Anu:  ( laughs) oh mine! Kemi! You're joking right? 

Dad:  (laughs)

Anu:  She wore it last weekend. I took pictures of her.

Dad:  Yes.

Anu:  Mehn! I always loved to see mum wear it. That's the oldest thing my eyes have witnessed.

Dad:  And almost all of you happen to like it.

Anu:  It's 29 years old? We should host a 30th birthday celebration for it, maybe side by side with your anniversary. 

Dad: The beauty of a woman is not defined by now. It only grows with passing years.

Anu:  The beauty of the heart?

Dad:  Beyond appearance.

Anu:  Character?

Dad:  Virtue

Anu:  Compassion?

Dad:  Faithfulness

Anu:  Perseverance?

Dad:  Purposeful 

Anu:  Humility? 

Dad:  Prudent

Anu:  Home-maker?

Dad:  Home-keeper

Anu:  Strong?

Dad:  Confident

Anu:  Invaluable? 

Dad:  Trustworthy 

Anu:  Diligent?

Dad:  Charitable

Anu:  Wise?

Dad:  We could go on and on. Anu, men too must possess these qualities. A beautiful gown cannot admire and wear itself.

Anu:  You're definitely a beautiful man. Mere eyes cannot discern beauty.

Dad:  It's metaphysical. We'll celebrate.

Anu:  Celebrate what?

Dad:  The day your debut girlfriend arrives.
Anu:  Oh yes! She has to be beautiful tho...
Dad:  I'm up above the sky wondering what you mean...but I think I might know...

Crabby Mama

Nana: Hey mum.
Mum: Yes Nana. Did you enjoy it?
Nana: Yea mum.
Mum: So what fast food joint did you guys go to?

Nana:  We didn't. We took a walk. It was a romantic walk. I loved the environment. So natural. The trees, the spring, the fountain. the birds, the river...

Mum:  Did you guys swim?

Nana:  Nopeee. We only admired. We held hands too. There was so much emotions. I'm in love with him.

Mum:  What have you eaten since you left?

Nana:  Nothing. Doesn't matter.

Mum:  Did you tell him to put the ring on your finger?

Nana:  Mummy! Oh please. The time will come. I guess he's not ready yet.

Mum:  Of course he's not. He's job hunting. That should explain the walk instead of a meal with candles.

Nana:  Mum!

Mum:  Well, flowers do not blossom forever.

Nana:  I know that...as I was saying...the environment was so beautiful. And you know what?

Mum:  What?

Nana:  I saved a crab. It was just by the riverside. I hope it survives.

Mum:  Saved an edible crab?

Nana:  Yea mum-

Mum:  No! Shut up! You don't save a crab when you go on a date and return with no gift items and an empty stomach.😾

Nana:  I should have left it to die?

Mum:  No. You don't leave it. You bring it home. It's food for the stomach. Do you even think?

Nana:  But there's no way I would have brought the crab home. He would have wondered why and that's shameful.

Mum:  Well, let him wander away next time. He cannot even afford a comb.

Nana:  I've told you it's dreadlocks. That's the hairstyle.

Mum:  He can barely feed himself and you're ashamed to survive? Crabs are meant to be brought home and broke-men into the gutters.

Nana:  I'll pretend you didn't say that.😔

Mum:  But I did. Feed your hungry stomach with thoughts of romance and a beautiful environment. Sleep well my child. Let me know when you bring a crab home.😠

What if My Chest Was Not Swollen?

When you look at my chest before you finally say I'm beautiful, I terribly wonder what you mean. If you belong to the school of thought that believes that a woman's beauty is in the heart, I wonder if you see my heart through my swollen chest. Is my chest a mirror, a mirror through which you see yourself? If it is a mirror, what do you see yourself doing when you look at it? When my sister's husband tells her she's beautiful, he looks into her eyes with his palm on her left cheek. But you? My chest.


What if my chest is no more, will I still be beautiful?